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Tad Dagan

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geek poetry
Name
Tad Dagan
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My husband's blog

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August 31st, 2011

A blessing in disguise

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So I woke up the morning before yesterday with severe pain in my left side of my face. My teeth are in really bad shape (genetics, lack of insurance/funds and 5 years of Nevada water have all contributed to this) and I have one on that side that died a few years back. That night the weather changed abruptly and my left sinus got clogged full. The pressure pushed on the root of that dead tooth, and the whole thing just hurt. I tried to tough it out, but when I was on 2 Aleve, 2 xtra-strength Tylenol and 2 mg of post-surgical hydromorphone and the pain was still bad enough that I was sweating and shaky and nauseous, I realised I had to go to the doctor.

It turned out to be not nearly as expensive as I'd feared. $50 for the doctor's visit - they only charge about 40% of their usual fee to cash patients, thank the gods. He gave me Percocet and penicillin. And I decided it didn't hurt anything to ask, so at the end of the appt. I mentioned that I had hypogonadism and had to inject testosterone, and had run out. And he wrote me a new prescription! Just like that! Unfortunately, after I'd filled it I realised it was for 1 mL vials, but he said if he hadn't put it in the computer right he'd happily correct it.

So part of me is bothered by the transphobia implicit in the fact that, if I don't disclose I'm trans (and my documents and presentation allow me to "pass"), this medication is available to me without any hassle or questions or hesitation but if I do disclose there are (generally; I can't speak for this clinic) all sorts of delays and tests and checks "for my own good" - but mostly I'm just thrilled I don't have to sit and watch my changes unravel because I can't afford to see a doctor. I just need to talk to the pharmacy and see if I can get the size of the vial straightened out.

August 20th, 2011

Links

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I'm continuing to feel better, and think I'm over the cold entirely. Though I'm still not feeling 100%, I think that's because I've not had my allergy medicine for a few days and I haven't had a shot of T in almost 3 weeks - I'm running low and want to make it last and figured since I was feeling rubbish anyway I might as well skip the last couple of weeks. I have allergy medicine again and will be doing my shot tomorrow, so hopefully those issues will resolve themselves.

Some links I found this week:Collapse )

August 3rd, 2011

Ground Rules

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First of all, I want to apologise for it having been so long since I updated. Though I've been busy like crazy, that isn't why. It turns out that my sense of this as a "safe space" for me to talk freely about my feelings and experiences is actually pretty fragile, and it was disrupted. Admitting that was a blow to my pride, however, and so I've been procrastinating.

The truth is, the things I talk about in this journal are sensitive. They are intimate, often taboo things that people have very strong feelings about. What I write is likely, at times, to bother or offend people. You have a couple of choices on how to handle this:

1. You have the right to decide not to read any post I make.
2. You have the right to read the post, decide I'm an arsehole, and unfriend me. I'll be sad to see you go and probably a bit upset if you do it without an explanation, but I won't hold it against you.
3. You have the right, as my friend, to tell me something I've said is fucked up and hurtful, and why, and then have a dialogue with me about why I said it, why it was wrong and how (or if) I can fix it. I welcome this - hell, more than that I'm eager for it. The only way any of us figure out when we're in the wrong is through the intervention of others, and it's generally a nicer experience when it's done by a friend.

However, you do NOT have the right to come onto my personal journal, tell me I'm not allowed to say certain things in my own space about my own experience because I'm "silencing" others (please look up the definition of "silencing" again, kthx), tell me that because of one comment I made I deserve to be prevented from making informed choices about my own body in the future, and then disappear and refuse to talk to me.

Okay, so I suppose you have the 'right' - I don't screen comments, after all - but I won't like or respect you much afterward.

I'm just human. I don't know everything. I have some pretty messed up, unfair and ugly feelings sometimes. News flash: everyone does. I have some opinions that others disagree with, sometimes violently. I do make an ongoing effort to recognise and analyse my own biases and irrationalities and then, if appropriate, change the opinions I've formed based on them - but just because you disagree with me doesn't mean I'm wrong. And even when none of the above are true, sometimes I phrase things wrong and they read completely differently than what I actually intended.

This blog is not a polished work, designed to accurately educate the greater public. It's not even a memoir, rough edges smoothed out and everything neatly lined up to show theme and character growth. It is - and always has been - a raw, painfully honest, immediate record of what's going on in my head and my heart as I turn my life upside down and figure out who I am and what I want. I'm pleased and honoured that others have decided to come along with me and watch as I take this journey, but I'm not writing this blog for you.

I'm writing it for me.

June 3rd, 2011

Transition Milestone?

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No matter that my driving license has had an M on it for months, today is the day I truly became a man.

Today I changed my first tire.

Lol, this post is mostly ironic. It's a ridiculous stereotype and sexist to boot, but I have to admit I did feel pretty manly figuring it out and doing it all on my own.

May 18th, 2011

Documents

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I got my driving license and Social Security card in the mail today, both with my new name.

In other news, I'm starting to feel very stressed about the yard sale I'm supposed to have this weekend, and the move in general.

May 13th, 2011

FML

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I tried to call the surgeon this morning, only to have the receptionist tell me I have to contact the billing office before she could leave a message for me. I guess I'll drop another letter off at his office.

Grr.

A Rant

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I should be done posting about what happened at Social Security. It happened, it wasn't much different than I expected, life goes on. In fact, I should be asleep - it's gone one, and I have to be up at seven to call the doctor and talk to a friend. But I'm still really upset, and I can't stop thinking about it.

Warning: contains explicit reference to genital surgery that some may find offensive or triggeringCollapse )

Social Security

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So I tackled Social Security today. My name change went through just fine, despite their confusion about whether I had appropriate ID, as I currently have a temporary driving license and my most current passport is from when I was 3 months old, and was issued in Germany.

I was hoping to get my gender changed as well, but they didn't accept the letter from my surgeon. Apparently it was missing the word "complete". I'm going to try to talk to the doctor tomorrow and see if he's willing to print a new letter with a sentence added saying that the surgery he performed was complete and irreversible. If that doesn't work I'm going to be very unhappy, as it may cause problems at work and will definitely bugger my chances to be stealth at school. At least they were open about being willing to accept a revised letter.

And I really wish that either I could find a way to feel less humiliated by having to discuss my surgical status, or that people would stop asking me to describe my penis in public. D:

May 11th, 2011

It's Legal

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The judge signed my name change order on May 4th, and I picked up my copies yesterday. I have my new temporary driving license in my pocket and the real one should be in the mail soon. Tomorrow I'm going to attempt Social Security. :D

May 7th, 2011

Local T

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So when I got my first prescription for T, I filled it at the local pharmacy, where it's about $100/10mL vial. When I refilled it, we were broke, so I transferred it to APS, a pharmacy in FL that will ship it, where it costs $30/10mL vial. As I used the T from that vial, I suspected it was not as potent as the old stuff had been. This time when I refilled I went back to the local pharmacy. I've only done one shot so far, so it's not like my levels are back where they should be yet, and already I'm noticing a difference. So I think I was right. Which doesn't make any sense - they're both testosterone cypionate, and they're both supposed to be 200mg/mL. But I'm having that deep, protein hunger that means I'm rather suddenly putting on muscle, just like I did when I first started T - and which I haven't been having on the APS vial. It's too soon to know if changes are going to speed up again, but I'll keep my fingers crossed.

May 2nd, 2011

It's a Good Tired, Right?

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Today I:

- Called the State Dept. regarding my birth certificate. I got all the info I'll need EXCEPT what, exactly, they consider appropriate documentation for my gender marker change. And it wouldn't let me speak to a real person.
- Cook some made-up chicken-and-white beans thing for dinner, from scratch. It's in the crockpot, almost ready, and smells OM NOM NOM.
- Went to the tip.
- Paid a traffic ticket.
- Dropped the letter to my surgeon off at his office.
- Bought socks and underwear and a laundry hamper.
- Stopped at a cool old gas station that had a little girl's room - quite literally. The men's and women's toilets were outside, and the one inside was for girls onlly. It also had an old-fashioned slushy machine. You put the (seperate) flavoured syrup in first, and then added these little globes of ice suspended in sweet syrup on top of it. It was very cool.
- Dropped my name change paperwork off at the courthouse. She's submitting it to the judge today, and the signed orders should be in the mail to me THIS WEEK. Yay!

I should be going to ninjutsu tonight, but I'm beat. It was 4 hours of driving in a car without airconditioning, and it was bloody hot today. Braaaaiiiiins...

I think Imma eat some chicken-and-beans and stare at the wall.

April 26th, 2011

Publication Done

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My proof of publication for my name change came in the post yesterday. As soon as I have the fuel, I can drive to the court and submit my request for a hearing. I think that's the next step - actually, I need to recheck my instructions, because this whole process is really hard for me to grasp somehow. But I'm getting closer to having my name changed!

April 22nd, 2011

Reconnected!

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mfrazercani bought himself a new (used) Blackberry and gave me his Palm. I can finally call people and get to the internet again! I feel like I've returned from a long journey. :p

I'm at our biannual gathering (religious retreat). It's pouring rain, and I think I'm getting sick. Bloody hell. I'm supposed to be seeing in a seidhr ritual tonight, and I've had to bow out because I don't feel up to it at all.

Hopefully I'll have enough of a brain to make a real post soon.

April 13th, 2011

(no subject)

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So a few weeks ago I started taking martial arts, something I've wanted to do for years but couldn't afford, since mfrazercani found a great deal through his girlfriend's ex-husband who owns a dojo. I'm loving it. I'm starting with kenpo and ninjutsu, and mfrazercani and R are starting with Wing Chun and ninjutsu. But last Saturday, after a couple of hours of kenpo when my legs were wet noodles of exhaustion, I stood up from the couch and felt something pop in my right knee. It was a minor injury, and not very painful, and I managed to baby it for a few days and then start (carefully) training again.

Then this week I decided to finally get started sorting out my garage, which I've been stalling on for a year and a half. I spent Monday pulling everything out and sorting it into categories and then putting it back in. (Fun!) This took 11 hours, and I had help most of the day thanks to reccas_place. Yesterday morning I got up and was going downstairs first thing, and I remember thinking, "Man, my feet are so stiff they don't even feel like they're attached to me." And then my left foot slipped forward off the step. My right leg got bent behind me and a little to the side, I landed on it and skidded halfway down the stairs.

I was really worried. It hurt bad enough that it took 5 minutes before I could straighten up, let alone stand. But thankfully it's not as bad as I thought. I can walk on it, mostly, and it doesn't hurt too bad unless I put pressure on it wrong. What worries me is that it aches a bit most of the time - and when it does, it's the kind of pain that makes you feel just a little sick to your stomach. If I could go to the doctor, I'd have it looked at, but that's out of our budget right now.

So I'm wearing a knee brace, using the knee as little as possible, icing it and soaking in Epsom salts when I can. But I'm sad I won't be able to do anymore martial arts for a while. I was just getting into it.

April 7th, 2011

Commitment to Change

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I get to post so rarely anymore that I'm not quite sure what to say when I do. But I had something happen the other day that I think I need to get down.

It was after I'd come out to all of my extended family and heard back from most of them. The response has been overwhelmingly positive - even the ones I can tell aren't too sure about the whole thing still said "I'm happy you're happy" and "I still love you". It makes me realise how blessed I have been and continue to be. I also finally submitted my name change for publication - over seventy dollars and I had to drive to a podunk town an hour and a half away, which is what's taken so long - and I should be ready to ask the court for my hearing in less than a month.

But then I was doing something - writing an email or logging into Facebook or something - and I realised that I was feeling a lot of random anxiety and doubt about my transition all of a sudden. I wasn't sure I liked my name enough to live with it forever. I wasn't sure I could successfully live as a man. I'd been off my testosterone for a few weeks (I ran out of syringes) and I was feeling fine, it was no big deal. I felt like I'd just done this whole big thing and there was no turning back and maybe I was wrong.

This lasted a couple of days, and needless to say I was freaking out about it a bit. This was Not The Time to be having doubts or changing my mind. Gods, could you imagine my family's reaction if I emailed them back and said, "Oops! I think I'm going to go back to living as a woman! Just . . . disregard that letter I sent you the other day."

But then I realised what was going on. It was two-fold, really. First of all, having to make an Event out of saying, "Hey, guess what, I'm me!" is just odd. It's unnatural and awkward and is bound to feel weird. And it's still something I'm frankly pissed off about having to do. And second, I've now come out to everyone who knows me. I'm maybe 6 weeks away from completing my legal transition (I'm even hoping to get my SS changed, as I have had a hysto - we'll see if the surgeon will be willing to write me a letter). I have no ties left to my old self. I can't change my mind now, and that's a kind of scary realisation. It's like the night before you get married, when even though you know you're doing the right thing and it's what you want, part of you wants to run screaming from the idea of committing to a change that major, that irreversible.

But when I think about the details, rather than the huge nebulous idea of "transition", I don't have any doubts. All the changes I've had have been wonderful - except the lactose intolerance, and I can live with that :p - and I can't wait for the rest of the them to happen. I like who I am now, and I feel more real now, like I've finally grown up or become a real boy or something.

I don't have a pithy conclusion to this post. I just wanted to write about this experience so I can remember it later.

Out of Contact

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Just a quick not to apologise that I've been out of touch lately. We still don't have internet at home, and since I broke my phone I've had to go back to an older one that won't let me access LiveJournal. And mfrazercani is working again, so I don't have a car to get anywhere with internet. I'm not ignoring your comments or posts, I just can't see them. :(

March 27th, 2011

My Brother's Reaction

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So I made some edits to the letter and sent it tonight, and called him to let him know to check his email. A few hours later I got this response:


Tad,
Well, you found the way to get me to call you by the name chose.
That's obviously a lot for me to process, and I'm planning to call you
at some point soon. I thought I'd just send you a quick email to tell
you that the most important thing for me is that you are happier. It
has seemed that there was something keeping you from being happy, and
I'm glad you've figured it out.
It's pretty cool that I have a brother now. I'm looking forward
to talking to you about manly things like baseball, Bruce Willis movies,
and the fact that Han shot first.

Love,
XXXX


I'm so happy.

March 24th, 2011

Coming Out to My Brother

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But first, news! mfrazercani got a job!!! He got hired back at the same place that fired him, actually, at the same rate of pay. Who knows what happened? The manager broke up with him and then realised he'd made the biggest mistake of his life? They thought 5 months of misery would be good for his character? I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth, but the whole thing has me a bit befuddled. I also have an employment prospect, but I'm not certain my technical skills are where they need to be. We're talking back and forth at the moment.

But back to the topic of this post. I need to come out to my extended family, and the one I've been most nervous about is my brother. We haven't been close since I was a teenager - in fact, I could probably count the number of times we've talked on one hand. But since he's my older brother, a big part of me desperately wants his approval. He's pretty consevative, and I have no idea how he's going to react. Neither do my parents.

So here's the letter I wrote to him. It's long, but if any of you feel like reading it and letting me know what you think I'd appreciate it. I focussed primarily on education, since he's someone who prides himself on logic and rationality and I wanted him to understand what exactly was going on. Also, I tried to be as accurate as possible, but this reflects my experience as a binary-identified transsexual. I don't talk much at all about gender fluidity or trans-ness as an identity, because that doesn't have anything to do with my experience and I didn't want to cloud the issue. So this is definitely medical-model centric.

The LetterCollapse )

March 16th, 2011

One Year

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Exactly one year ago today I wrote in my personal diary, "One thing I'm realising is that this transgender thing isn't going away. I don't know what to do about it - I don't know what I want to do about it - but I think I need to deal with it."

A year later, I can't believe how much has changed. I'm living as a man full time and have come out to almost everyone I know, with very little upset or angst in the end. I've been on testosterone for eight and a half months. My marriage has shifted into a friendship, but it did so amicably - with regret rather than blame. I'm legally male on my ID, and I just need to fulfill the publication requirement to complete my name change. I've managed to get off of my antidepressants and I've decided to go back to school.

And I'm more content than I've ever been. I feel more settled into my life, more confident and more at peace with myself than I could have imagined a year ago. Without a doubt, transition has been the best decision I've made. It feels good to look back over the past year, and I wish there were a way I could go back to that me of a year ago, when I was cofused and hurting and terrified, and tell him that it is all going to be okay.

February 1st, 2011

That Update Post

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1. Still unemployed. Still broke. Still sucking. I did manage to get food stamps, and I got my unemployment benefits reinstated - $40 a week, woo-hoo! (<-- sarcasm)

2. I got my fee waiver for my name change and the initial paperwork filed with the court; now I'm just waiting on the money I need to publish the notice.

3. I've applied to UNR for the fall semester and submitted my FAFSA. Now waiting to see a) if I get admitted, and b) what kind of financial aid package I can get.

4. Something shifted internally right after the new year, and my depression is . . . gone. Just gone. I'm off of my last antidepressant, the one I've been on for 15 years for fibromyalgia. My fibromyalgia is gone, too. O.o I need to write more about this later, because I still have some thoughts to process.

5. My marriage seems to be fading amicably into deep friendship. Most of the time I'm okay with this. I'm also kinda-sorta-maybe dating someone else.

6. I've had exactly one callback/interview, and it didn't go anywhere.

7. I'm considering looking into therapy as a future career.

8. I've been reading LJ a lot lately, but haven't been posting or commenting. I only ever read it on my phone, and even with my awesome phone typing is slow and annoying. And I have nowhere in the house that's remotely comfortable place for typing and has internet, so I never get around to it on my computer. But I'm getting rid of the internet service on my phone and hoping to fix the nowhere-to-use-the-computer issue, so I will stop being a hermit soon. I hope.

9. I've stalled out on my NaNo novel, but am writing, off and on. The no-comfortable-place-to-type issue affects this as well.

10. I'm filing taxes separately from mfrazercani. His are still fucked, and we don't know what to do about it, but I should be getting about $1,000 in returns for the past three years.

11. I need to come out to my extended family soon - I was supposed to do it in January - but I'm avoiding it out of nerves.

December 31st, 2010

Happy New Year!

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So here's to the end
of two thousand ten!
Never a year has been so sucky -
Let's hope the next is a bit more lucky!

December 20th, 2010

Glad Yule!

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Tonight at sunset began the twelve nights of Yule, the sacred time between the years. I wish each of you love and warmth and friendship over these holy days. May 2011 dawn bright and clear for you, and may your fortunes grow with the return of the sun.

December 15th, 2010

Support Local Farmers

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A recent post on one of the communities I follow made me realise that I've been wanting to say this for quite a while. It was a bit (okay, a lot) off-topic to the actual post, so I decided it would be better put in my own journal.

For those that don't know it, I was a small dairy and poultry farmer for a few years before the economy made us lose our farm. I'm rural-identified (love that term, many thanks to whoever came up with it because I don't remember where I first saw it) and have been my whole life. I always wanted to live in the country, and as I grew up that desire became a desire to have a farm of my own - at least one big enough to make my family relatively self-sufficient. I finally got that wish when I moved to Nevada four years ago.

There's a saying I grew up with that goes something like, "You either have time or you have money, but you can't have both." Well, when you're a farmer you don't have either. Is it worth it? I most definitely thought so. Like becoming a parent, having a farm is a lot more work, and a lot more rewarding, than one could ever imagine before experiencing it. But let me paint you a picture.

Please click me!Collapse )

I apologise that this is so long and rambly and awkward. It's been struggling to come out for a long while now, and I wanted to get it down as honestly and as immediately as I could.

The existence of small farms is only just now struggling back to life. Commercial farming, and the huge land grabs it necessitated, nearly wiped out this life a few decades ago. People are starting to realise what they're missing, and thanks to the organic movement a small niche is being created again for the small farmer. It's not an easy life, nor a financially rewarding one, but I think it's an important one.

I'm not a political person. I'm grateful that others are doing the necessary work in that arena, but I hate it and I'm not very good at it. The most important kind of advocacy I feel I can do is to live the life that matters to me, with as much integrity as I can manage. That and hope that my words, fiction or otherwise, will inspire in others the same things I value.

I was a small farmer for three years, and only had the goats for the last year and a half or so. In that short amount of time, I gained a lifetime's worth of knowledge and experience. And I still only scraped the surface. I hope to have property again someday soon, if not another farm, but even if I never manage it I wouldn't give up those memories for anything.

December 3rd, 2010

A bit later than I hoped, but I got my prescription in the mail today. I'm very happy, because I was starting to get some symptoms of going without - getting cold easier (but also getting hot flashes occasionally, and I didn't even know you could get that from going off T), extremely dry and somewhat painful nipples, a decrease in sex drive, etc. - and I wasn't happy about it. I'm going to wait until tomorrow night to inject, though, since that will put me back on the every-Friday-night schedule I'm used to.

In other news, I got to 50,000 words and won NaNo. Now I'm working on finishing the book. It looks like the finished rough draft is going to be about 120,000 words, and my goal is to have it done by the end of January.

November 26th, 2010

An Outside Opinion

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I had another therapy session today. Therapy's been going well, since my therapist is awesome, and we've been dealing with a lot of different things - depression, ADHD, looking for work, relationships and next steps in transition. Today as I was leaving she said that as I've gone further into transition and completed various steps, she's definitely noticed that my depression has gotten much better, my self-confidence has increased and I seem overall much happier. It was really nice to hear that, because from the inside it often feels like I've just traded one set of stressors for another. Gods know my life isn't anything like what I want it to be right now, and I'm not exactly Mr. Sunshine and Light. So an objective view of how I'm handling things was reassuring to hear.

She also agrees that I should use some of the money from mfrazercani's severance package to do my legal name change ASAP, to decrease safety concerns and make my job search easier.

November 25th, 2010

The World Today

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9 people I know are out of work.
1 person I know is "classically" homeless - i.e., living on the streets.
6 people I know are legally homeless - i.e., only have a place to live due to generosity of someone else letting them live with them or paying their rent.
5 people I know are in imminent danger of living on the streets.
12 or so people I know cannot pay for basic, day-to-day medical care.
6 people I know require government assistance in order to get enough to eat.
In just the past 2 weeks, 3 friends have mentioned to me that they see so few options and feel so despairing that it's a struggle to find a reason not to commit suicide.

I don't know that many people.

These are people of a wide variety of ages, educational levels and fields.

I am 34 years old. This is the first recession I've lived through as an adult, and I'm scared. I'm seeing friends suffer and struggle and not have it be enough, and I don't know how to help them. I don't even know how to help myself.

Something's got to get better soon, right?

November 24th, 2010

Testosterone, the Saga

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So, mfrazercani lost his job right as my first vial of testosterone ran out, and we didn't have the money to replace it. Through my local pharmacy, with insurance, it costs $100. I thought I had another week to deal with it, but had a bit less than I thought. So when I did my last shot I only had .4 mL instead of the .6 mL I was supposed to have. And now I've been off T entirely for two or three weeks.

Cut for lengthCollapse )

November 11th, 2010

It's Official

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As of yesterday (okay, the day before yesterday if you want to be technical, but I haven't slept yet so it's still today, dammit) I AM LEGALLY MALE.

On my driver's license. I haven't updated my birth certificate yet, and obv haven't done the SSA since they require surgery (unless, apparently, you're really lucky and presenting well when you go in to change your name with them). But according to the document pretty much anyone in the world will ever see, I'm male. Despite an iffy experience at DMV, I'm thrilled.

Which is a good thing, since the rest of my life is basically shit right now. I'm mostly keeping up on my word count, though I flaked out about posting updates about it a long while ago, but other than that . . . I'm in a bad place right now.

I'm considering doing my legal name change ASAP, since I can apparently get the filing fee waived, but that depends on the other costs involved, like publishing the notice and updating all of my other paperwork.

November 3rd, 2010

NaNo - Day 2

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Rougher going today. I was exhausted and actually slept most of the day, but I had my daily write-in with reccas_place tonight and managed to push through and slightly exceed my daily goal.

Date: 11/2
Target: 1,667
Words Today: 2,034
Over/Under Target: +367
Words Total: 5,540
Milestone: 3,334
Over/Under Milestone: +2,206
% Completed: 11.08%
Hours: 1.50
Wrds/hour: 1,356

November 2nd, 2010

A couple of exciting things in my life right now:

I'm growing a soul patch. Okay, so it's just barely-there peach fuzz, but it's more than grows naturally on the rest of my face. Why is this a big deal? Because I know a lot of women who have to wax their upper lips or pluck their chin hair, but I don't know of any that grow hair on their lower lips. So it kind of feels like, "Wow, I really am growing facial hair!" for the first time.

Also, today was November first. That means it's time for National Novel Writing Month! For those that don't know, NaNoWriMo is an open, public challenge to write 50,000 words of fiction in 30 days. This will be my 6th year doing it - I "won" (made it to 50k) the first three years, then failed for the last two. To get to 50,000 words by November 30th, you have to write 1,667 words a day. Today I wrote 3,506! I'm excited about the novel - I'm calling it Who's Afraid of Virginia City?, and it's about a zombie apocalypse . . . kind of. :p Expect daily updates on my word count here, as is my tradition on LJ. I'll keep them short and tag them "writing" so you can avoid them if you want. :)

Date: 11/1
Target: 1,667
Words Today: 3,506
Over/Under Target: +1,839
Words Total: 3,506
Milestone: 1,667
Over/Under Milestone: +1,839
% Completed: 7.01%
Hours: 2.75
Wrds/hour: 1,275

October 27th, 2010

I've mot been on LJ much lately. mfrazercani has lost his job, and we're currently without income. R is being a huge help, which means we're not going to have to find somewhere else to lice immediately. Hopefully one or both of us will have a job very, very soon I've not yet heard from the university about whether or not I'll get enough financial aid to go back to school in January. Wish us luck.

October 16th, 2010

General Update

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So, after two months of feeling like absolutely nothing's happening, transition-wise, my shot last night seems to have kicked a couple more changes into gear - and/or I'm finally noticing some gradual ones.

Read more...Collapse )

October 12th, 2010

Man, I canNOT sleep tonight. So I've decided to post some pictures of those near and dear to my heart.

Pictures behind the cut, because I care. :)Collapse )

October 7th, 2010

So, I had this new plan, inspired by a conversation with reccas_place, to go back to school (I've been wanting to for years) and simultaneously get the degree I need to get a real job/career and have financial aid to help us through in the meantime.

But to fill out my FAFSA I need last year's tax return. I talked to mfrazercani, who does the joint tax returns for both of us, and discovered that he hasn't filed for the past TWO years. So now I have to try to file both of those returns, when I don't know where any of the paperwork I need is anymore. And if we owe money on either - which we most likely do, as I was self-employed - we will have failure-to-file penalties, failure-to-pay penalties and interest on top of the tax amount. Even if I manage to work out a payment plan with them, there's no way I'll have everything done in time to file a FAFSA and start school in January. We can't even pay our utility bills right now; I have no idea how we're going to pay off back taxes. And I haven't been able to get even a callback about a job.

I'm completely panicked. I'm fighting off the urge to pack up my Toyota and just leave mfrazercani to deal with it all - go live with my parents, maybe, or a friend. Maybe even for good. And also fighting thinking about a more permanent escape. :/

ETA: I'm doing better now. I yelled at talked to mfrazercani when he got home, and tommytesto's information/wakeup call about what I actually need for the FAFSA helped. We found some of the paperwork we need and I've got the beginnings of a plan for finding or getting copies of the rest.

To be honest, the part that freaked me out the most was how it was going to impact my ability to get financial aid. The rest sucks badly, but we can deal with it over time. But the idea of going back to school was kind of a lifeline for me - the job hunt isn't going well at all, we're out of money, and I didn't have any contingency plan at all for what to do if I couldn't get work quickly. In that vein, I've got a few more short-term goals for job possibilities to explore.

I took a Vicodin (I had a headache and the calming properties didn't seem like a bad idea, either) and did some serious escapism until the idea of jumping off a cliff - figuratively or literally - didn't seem quite so tempting and I had enough distance to see the situation a little more clearly instead of through the lens of panic. Not the best coping mechanism in the world, but I've a lot of practice at it and I'm glad to at least have something. I thought about calling my therapist, but I didn't want to bother her. :p

.

October 3rd, 2010

A 3 a.m. Epiphany

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My main focus lately has been on trying to get a job. Trying is the key word in that sentence; I've not been making much progress on even getting applications filled out online. While I've been struggling with this, two things happened. First, a good friend of mine was given a formal assessment and diagnosed with severe ADHD. Second, routemaps posted a link to a blog about what it felt like to live with ADHD as an adult.

Cut for rambling and excessive list-makingCollapse )

October 2nd, 2010

Long-Overdue Picture Post

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I took some more pictures recently, and figured it was time to share them. This is me at three months on testosterone.

Me!Collapse )

And here are a couple shots of how my chest looks with my new binder, an Underworks Doublefront compression shirt.Collapse )

I'm still not being read correctly as male by strangers; I'm not sure whether that's my look or my voice or my mannerisms or what. >:(

Three Months on T

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I meant to post weekly-or-so updates, but for one reason or another never got around to it. I started self-injecting 100mg weekly of testosterone cypionate on July 2nd.

Cut for frank discussion of body parts and sex. NSFW Oh, and it's really long.Collapse )

September 30th, 2010

Well, This Is Unexpected

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I'm having worse dysphoria tonight than I've had in quite a while, and I'm not sure why. Maybe because I went out in public (around strangers, not people who know me) for the first time in a few weeks and got reminded that I'm still being perceived almost completely as female. Maybe because I haven't seen any noticeable changes from the testosterone in almost a month. Maybe because I STILL don't have a job, and until I do the rest of transition (not to mention paying my rent and having enough to eat) is out of my reach. Maybe just because the euphoria of having things move forward so quickly is wearing off. I don't know, but it sucks. :(

September 28th, 2010

Okay, so I feel like an idiot.

As they say in the dialect of the small valley where I grew up, DUHCollapse )

This won't solve all of my productivity problems, obviously, but hopefully it'll make a dent in them.

*rolls eyes* Sometimes I'm just stunned by my own stupidity.

September 24th, 2010

First Gathering

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Last weekend I went to my first gathering since I came out to my kindred and started transitioning.

Cut for lengthCollapse )

So, other than catching cold on Friday and having it turn into pneumonia or bronchitis or something, the weekend was an unqualified success. I'm glad I went and grateful that I didn't really need to worry after all. Have I mentioned that the people I know are the most awesome people in the world?

(Edited to fix HTML fail)

August 24th, 2010

Living in Flux

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So. mfrazercani has a girlfriend - kind of - and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Cut for length, as usualCollapse )

August 23rd, 2010

Update

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Sorry for the unplanned hiatus from LJ. About a month ago I broke a promise to myself. I was feeling down and posted about it, and it turned ugly. So I locked it for myself only. Some stuff came up that I realised I needed to talk to mfrazercani about before I put it up for the whole internet to read. I calmed down the next day and we did resolve it, but I never got around to unlocking the post. And somehow, having that post hidden has kept me from posting since, even though I've had things I've needed and wanted to post about. No, I don't owe anyone else a level of emotional nakedness that leaves me unhappy and vulnerable, but I think I owe myself the honesty and integrity of not hiding the bad stuff. Do I wish I never had moods that black or destructive? Yes, and thank the gods they're not common. So I've unlocked the post, finally, and decided to stop avoiding my blog.

Some general updates:Collapse )

I think that's most of the little stuff. Maybe now I can start posting again.

July 18th, 2010

Down

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Wow, major depression tonight. I almost don't want to post, because nothing I'm thinking is rational, true or pleasant to read, but I suppose I should have a record of how I'm feeling.

Cut so as not to expose the unwary to the morass of rubbish that is my brain tonightCollapse )

Now I'm Scared...

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I just had this text exchange with mfrazercani. (For reference, he works in an auto parts store.)

mfrazercani: Hey, wife, working a little late tonight, going to be doing a little landscaping
me: WTF??? That totally sounds like a euphemism for burying the bodies...
mfrazercani: *evil grin*

Gehtow

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Well, we had some excitement here tonight. Our neighbour, June*, came over to tell us that some guys were looking into the cars, so we went out and made sure ours were locked up. Then her boyfriend, July*, told us they were watching a group of people across the street break into cars. I opened the bedroom window so that I could hear if something happened and told mfrazercani what was going on, then went to bed. He went outside with appropriate protection.

I heard some commotion from outside (but no gunfire), so when mfrazercani came back upstairs I asked what had happened. He said, "Somebody walked by and said that some kids were jumping off the mailboxes and now there's an ambulance there. But July was over there, so there's some debate as to whether or not he caught the guy breaking into the cars and beat him up." Apparently, the passerby said that the kid's leg was all fucked up. And that there was an EMT over there (that would be July) and that he'd told July not to move him, to which July had replied, "He's moving himself!" Matt's comment was, "Yeah, he's moving himself to get away from the fist slamming into him repeatedly." So now we have an ambulance and two cop cars outside.

I haven't experienced this much middle-of-the-night neighbourhood drama since I lived just off 14th St in Oakland.

I miss the country.

* Names have been changed to protect the... er... possibly innocent.

July 16th, 2010

w00t!

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Thunder and rain today! I'm still enough of a Californian that summer thundershowers are novel and exciting.

Also, I got word today that after this weekend I may be moved to other districts to help them finish up, which means I get to see new parts of Nevada and get extra travel & per diem pay. Yay!

July 15th, 2010

I had the most bizarre dream last night. It was totally an early 80s, post-apocalyptic, alien-invasion flick.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

July 11th, 2010

My Census work has finally started up again, so I'm likely to be busy the next week or so. Thank the gods.

July 9th, 2010

Oh What Fun It Is...

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Dealing with financial stuff today - payment plans/hunting for a crap job/selling stuff. Wish me luck. :/
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